One of Rush Limbaugh’s stock phrases when dressing down liberals is to call them “phoney-baloney, plastic banana, good-time, rock-and-rollers.”

He gets really fired-up when he says it, like it’s absolutely the worst indictment anyone could level.

So, what the hell does it mean? It’s such a ridiculous turn of phrase. I mean, I guess I understand “good-time rock and roller” but what’s with the “plastic banana?” Is this in reference to something? Perhaps an original “plastic banana” from a long-forgotten cultural battle of the 1960’s?

this is not the plastic banana, but simply a plastic banana.

Hey, did you know that Rob Lathan has a funny show up at the UCB Theatre right now?!!

You did?

Oh.

hum. That’s weird…

Oh, you were kidding.

Well, I made the flyer and here it is…

I realize it’s not Dyna Moe-quality, but at least it’s funny.

Anyway, go see Rob’s show, Talent Show!
It’s very funny. Rob’s the master at creating characters that are highly enthusiastic but ultimately inept. A character that I hadn’t seen before that has really stuck in my mind is a pep rally leader whose talent is pulling random props from a bin and yelling, “yeah, Get Psyched!” Funny.

Here’s the info:
Talent Show
UCB Theatre
307 West 26th (and 8th Ave)
Saturdays 7:30
$5

Last week I went to an art lecture, really more of a conversation, held uptown between Robert Storr and Arthur Danto, two esteemed art critics.

You know I like Robert Storr. I like his writings, I like his attitude, I like his hair. A friend pointed out to me that he chooses to champion some pretty dubious artists (Philip Pearlstein, Chuck Close). I don’t care—we all have our tastes and Storr’s tastes are refreshingly broad and and his writing insightful.

It turns out I also like Danto, kind of an oddball grandfather type, slightly heavyset with a white beard, gregarious and opinionated. He said that American critics whose ideas are derived from continental philosophy of the past century (basically the editors of OCTOBER) were “medieval” and had no relation to the art being produced today. Danto comes to art by way of philosophy (and he came to philosophy by way of art, coming to New York from Detroit to be an Abstract Expressionist). In regard to art, his philosophical concerns are primarily ontological—seeing the Warhol Brillo Box show in the mid-sixties was a breakthrough moment. “What makes these Brillo Boxes—which look just like the ones in the grocery store, despite being made of plywood—different from the ones in the grocery store?” he said to himself and off he went to write several books which I’ve heard are good, but haven’t read.

The high point of the evening came when Storr and Danto butted heads for ten minutes over the merits of Bruce Nauman, Storr was pro-Nauman, Danto was against. Storr gave a reasoned, detailed appeal but Danto wasn’t having it.

Here are Arthur Danto’s reasons for not liking Nauman:
1. Nauman always assumes an antagonistic relationship to his audience
2. Too noisy
3. Relies on lame jokes
4. Danto didn’t need to take that crap

I think those are pretty good reasons. I’ve never really fallen in love with Nauman, even though liking him is pretty much a prerequisite if you want to be a hip young artist. Maybe there’s a general misanthropy about his work that I don’t like, as Danto suggests.

Here are two more things I don’t really care for that everyone else seems to like:
1. stuffed grape leaves
2. Cat Power

I’m down on Tom’s of Maine.

There I said it.

It’s not the taste, the taste is fine; it could be a hundred times less sweet and I’d be perfectly content. I just don’t think it works very well. I buy the anti-cavity formula and over the past three years, I’ve had three cavities. Sure I never went to the dentist over those three years, but still.

And I’ve sometimes skipped brushing my teeth altogether…

And rarely do I floss.

OK, fine, maybe it is because Tom’s is so ubiquitous among your average, workaday hipster. And Yes, I do have dreams of wandering into a shabby Polish pharmacy in Greenpoint and finding some Eastern Bloc-era toothpaste with a really cool label and making that my toothpaste of choice for the next few years.

But instead of the cool Polish toothpaste I bought this:

It’s Crest Tartar Control Whitening Plus Scope in a crazy capsule-shaped container.
I don’t know why I picked this one.

So I’ve gone back to the freelancing job I had for about three years after having quit from exhaustion.

I hand-paint monograms on luggage and handbags.

Oh Yes.

I also paint stripes. And custom insignias.

You see, I work for an old French luxury brand called G—-d. “luxury brand” means when you look at a flimsy, coated-canvas tote, you say, “Jesus Christ, that costs $785!”

Yes. Yes it does.

Here’s what $785 looks like (minus my standard model, Yumi)…

They also make very cool old-fashioned steamer trunks ($4000). You see, the stripes and the monograms are a continuation of the tradition of personalizing your trunks for your trans-Atlantic voyage, the better to claim your stuff at the end of the trip. Makes sense right?…sort of?

It’s glorified sweat-shop work, but I like its mind-numbyness.

As a side note, I decided to write this post because the guy below me keeps banging on the ceiling for me to stop making noise in my living-room/studio and I’m scared of him.

Honestly, do I have to vote for Hillary Clinton in ’08?

Do I have to vote for a pro-war candidate? I mean, it seems like some sick twist of fate—I marched against the Iraq War before it even began. Me, your average, occasional New York Times reader knew that invading Iraq would be a gigantic mistake (no thanks to you, Judy Miller, you psycho!).

I knew about PNAC, that the Neocons thought the first Bush was a pussy for not toppling Baghdad. I knew that Saddam had no link to Al Qaeda. I knew that even if Saddam had WMDs, they weren’t nuclear and were no threat to the US. I knew that the Bush administration was using 9/11 as an excuse to invade Iraq. I knew it wouldn’t make us safer. I knew it was a complete distraction and wouldn’t help stabilize the region.

So why didn’t Hillary? My guess is that she secretly did know that invading Iraq was a bad idea but didn’t want to be labeled “weak on defense” by Republicans in an ’08 presidential run. Which makes her pretty weak and opportunistic is my mind.

So who? Who can it be besides Hillary? Who can we push for to knock Hillary out early?

I really like Barack Obama, but every time I mention his name, my friends laugh at me.

So who?

I just got finished reading Jerry Saltz’s review of the current Rauschenberg retrospective at the Met. It’s an all-around decent review. Jerry’s an all-around decent writer, if not without his quirks and gimmicks. But one sentence stuck out in particular—he describes Rauschenberg’s famous 1955 piece, Bed, as looking “like sheets after lovemaking.”

Now, as luck would have it, I have a very good memory and about two years ago in one of his reviews, Jerry described a Twombly piece as looking “like sheets after lovemaking.” So aside from the fact that Jerry Saltz seems to have a handful of go-to phrases, this begs the question—Jesus Christ, Jerry, How on earth do you make love?

Here is what Bed looks like…

Here is what a Twombly looks like…

Never in my life, after a good round of “lovemaking,” have I looked down to discover sheets that look like either of these two pieces. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of great sex before, sex that could only be described as “crazy” or even “nasty.” But still, I’d be confused and terrified if my lovemaking ever created bed sheets that looked like a Twombly. It would mean that someone had been seriously maimed in the process.

Now it turns out that I’ve met Jerry Saltz and his wife Roberta Smith. In fact, Jerry was my adviser when I was a graduate student in Chicago. Both Jerry and Roberta are terrific, intelligent and charismatic people. But, my goodness, either Jerry is making stuff up or he’s having some type of intercourse that I can’t even picture…

Huge thanks go out to Doc “Mathieu” Cornillion for helping me update my comedy page!

Seriously, you should visit the comedy page. I actually proof-read the sketches and converted the files to PDF.

The comedy page has been something I’ve largely ignored, seeing that I haven’t been doing any comedy lately.

comedy page,

Mitch

At this very moment I’m listening to Studio 360 on NPR. It seems like every time I listen to this show they’re doing a spot on Aaron Copland. Kurt Anderson loves Aaron Copland.

Why? Why do people like Aaron Copland? Honestly. I mean, who the hell would ever pop in Appalachian Spring, sit back, and have a listen? It’s insufferably corny music. Wherein artistic circles Thomas Hart Benton is the object of deserved scorn, contemporary composers bend over backward to praise Copland. They’re both basically doing the same thing—creating goofy American propaganda using outdated European models. But still they listen)…