I just got finished reading Jerry Saltz’s review of the current Rauschenberg retrospective at the Met. It’s an all-around decent review. Jerry’s an all-around decent writer, if not without his quirks and gimmicks. But one sentence stuck out in particular—he describes Rauschenberg’s famous 1955 piece, Bed, as looking “like sheets after lovemaking.”

Now, as luck would have it, I have a very good memory and about two years ago in one of his reviews, Jerry described a Twombly piece as looking “like sheets after lovemaking.” So aside from the fact that Jerry Saltz seems to have a handful of go-to phrases, this begs the question—Jesus Christ, Jerry, How on earth do you make love?

Here is what Bed looks like…

Here is what a Twombly looks like…

Never in my life, after a good round of “lovemaking,” have I looked down to discover sheets that look like either of these two pieces. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of great sex before, sex that could only be described as “crazy” or even “nasty.” But still, I’d be confused and terrified if my lovemaking ever created bed sheets that looked like a Twombly. It would mean that someone had been seriously maimed in the process.

Now it turns out that I’ve met Jerry Saltz and his wife Roberta Smith. In fact, Jerry was my adviser when I was a graduate student in Chicago. Both Jerry and Roberta are terrific, intelligent and charismatic people. But, my goodness, either Jerry is making stuff up or he’s having some type of intercourse that I can’t even picture…

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 12th, 2006 at 1:17 am and is filed under Dudes with Attitudes, art.